Seems it has been approximately five months since my last blog. Happy 2013 everybody! Now, tomatoes...
Tomatoes are a real problem. You think of them as a vegetable, you eat them as a vegetable, but they're not vegetables! They're fruit. You are eating the ovary of a flowering plant, hence, fruit. But they're just not sweet enough to be thought of as a fruit so we pretend to ourselves that they are vegetables because it seems a bit less mad than serving random fried fruit with breakfast bacon and sausages. Labels, eh? Only good for so long, then we just ignore them. And let's not even start on mushrooms, okay? Just, no.
The ancient Chinese were great at labelling. The following list is claimed to have been found in a Chinese encyclopaedia from way back when. Ladies and gentle men, I give you animals as the nation that invented fireworks and Chinese food saw them:
Those that belonged to the Emperor (fair enough, the Emperor was very important)
Embalmed ones (tackling the issue of life and death, okay, allowed)
Those that are trained (hm, bit of a stretch, that, for a classification)
Suckling pigs (and when they stop suckling? Starting to lose faith here...)
Mermaids (eh, what now?)
Fabulous ones (someone's taking the piss)
Stray dogs (bit of a time issue, what were they pre-straying?)
Those that are included in this classification (classic catch all classification!)
Those that tremble as if they were mad (but what if they're just cold not mad??)
Innumerable ones (everything except sheep?)
Those drawn with a very fine camel hair brush (he got bored around about now)
Others (in case the first catch all didn't quite catch all)
Those that have just broken the flower vase (nope, not having this at all!)
Thost that, at a distance, resemble flies (strong ending to a mad list)
I would like to propose a new classification: Pokemon. You've probably seen the lovely picture (below) of the sea slug that does the internet rounds - it is clearly of the genus Pokemon. New rule: if it looks like a Pokemon (self evident) and behaves like a Pokemon (check out how it does battle against the Portuguese Man o' War when the Man o' War tries its sting attack and the sea slug is all "it doesn't affect Pokemon Sea Slug") then it's probably a Pokemon. But under the ancience Chinese classification it's got to be a Fabulous One!
This is a blog, I'm sure it's not the first you've ever seen so you know what to do. If it is your first (aw, how sweet!), all you do is read. And comment if you feel so inclined. If you have anything pressing you want to contact me about then email me. Let's blog!
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